I stood in the kitchen looking at a child facing an all too familiar social emotional learning (SEL) hurdle. “We keep coming back to this place right here to talk about your behavior”. She was remorseless and I was exhausted. Was I going to ground her this time? That was the look in her eye. I wasn’t and corporeal punishment was out of the question... she’s too intelligent for that and I’m way too opportunistic to lose a teaching moment.
I brought everyone into the kitchen and lined them up. It took us an hour but we focused on each person in front of the group. During that hour each family member went on an introspective search and shared their flaws, worked through their positive and negative habits, and solicited feedback from the others. Even I participated. It was transformative. But we didn’t stop there… Each person left with a social emotional learning “promise” to the other members.
As a former college athlete and former high school varsity coach, I’ve seen my share of crazed and excited spectators. And I’ve experienced my fair share of parent feedback from coaching choices I’ve made- some positive and some negative. Now that I’m a parent on the sideline, it’s become really important for me to keep everything in perspective and to observe the learning process as my kids grow into the athletes they want to become… (notice the “they” rather than the what I want or whatever destiny I imagine for them) How can I talk to my athlete after games? What should I be telling my player at home? When (if ever) should I go advocate for my athlete with the coaches? I'm no longer driving this bus, so what is my role and where's my seat on my child's journey?
Experiencing my fair share of positive and negative sports experiences (on both side of the whistle), I kept a list of “nevers” for myself, which has become an introspective Sideline Parent Checklist- nine questions that serve as a personal check-in when observing my kids' athletic experiences.
(This can be adapted to meet any extracurricular experience- dance, art, scouts, etc...)
How do we unify 350 million people around ideas, principals, and beliefs? Historically, many ill-fated attempts to unite U.S. citizens behind the flag or other causes have been rooted in racism, sexism, religion, war, populism, and antiterrorism. Each of these attempts to unite us, have but momentarily satiated our goal of becoming one strong nation. However, when looking at the end game, these attempts have created a polar opposite effect, drawing a wedge between citizens as they attempt to justify our democratic principles with the actual parameters and allowances afforded to some in our society. We’ve paid the price time and time again. The most beautiful principles of our country are lost in an “us versus them” approach to democratic loyalty and belonging. It seems as though the barrier to civility and unification is insurmountable. Something isn’t working. Something must change.
A paradigm shift must occur in the way we teach what it means to be “American” and the responsibility that goes with it. What does being American mean? We aren’t an ethnically homogeneous nation, in fact at our core, we are a band of misfits- those seeking religious freedom, political asylum, and those stolen and transported from far away lands. And yet no matter how we arrived here, we all believe that we have inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How might we capitalize on this feeling that exists in every citizen of this great country? How might we then use that moment to inspire each citizen to act as an informed member of society?
For an entire year my oldest child has been talking to me about roller skates. I’ve never taken them to a roller rink and in this day and age roller skating isn’t really all that popular as most kids have scooters, rollerblades, and skateboards. I’m not quite sure where she picked up the idea that she would just loooove roller skates so much. I pondered the idea. What if she falls down? What if she doesn’t keep trying? What if what if what if… After much deliberation and searching in big box stores, I broke down and purchased roller skates and helmets for all three kids on Amazon.
Watching them learn to skate has been an interesting experiment with courage. There’s a significant of risk of pain and embarrassment associated with skating. You fall down, often publicly, and you have to make a choice to get back up and keep at it. On skates you’re pretty vulnerable as you’re learning to balance all of your weight on 4-8 wheels. Then there’s the necessity for patience. It takes a while to accomplish technique let alone learn new tricks. A lot of what they’ve experienced psychologically and emotionally through the process of learning to skate is transferable for personal achievement and goal setting.
It's graduation season and recent grads are finding themselves at the epicenter of the perfect storm of anxiety, nostalgia, debt, hopefulness and new beginnings. Graduation is a time of great joy but it can become a time filled with many unknowns. Handling these new feelings and situations takes a bit of practice and patience.
Upon leaving K-12 education, I found myself entering into a graduate program without any expectation other than receiving a Masters degree while bolstering my knowledge and earning potential. But the friendships I left with and the transformations I experienced created a safety net of sorts for me that I’d grown accustomed to. The effects of that final surreal week were not felt until the Monday after graduation was over. Had I known that my body would need to readjust, I would have taken a week off of work.
Recently my child turned 10. TEN. This is a big milestone for parents and kid because we are now in the two digits, age range... and though many people think of me as a knowledgeable and seasoned parent, I still see myself as that wide-eyed mom, gazing into her daughter’s eyes for the first time.
Parenting has been a unique experience for me. I’ve tackled much of my struggles with love and have created a parenting philosophy hell bent on breaking generational curses and elevating my children’s dreams and talents as best as I can without harming them with my preconceived ideas of who they are and what they are capable of.
This recent birthday brought about the realization that my daughter is closer to the door than she is to my womb. This got me thinking. What were the qualities that helped us get here? What do I need to do to ensure we keep on a positive path? What do I need to model?
Here are 10 lessons from a decade of parenting:
When I grow older...
Help me to respect my child’s wishes. Allow me to see each of them as a responsible adult; trusting that the parenting that I provided them, prepared them to take hold of their life and guide the lives of their own children.
Give them peace.
Grant me peace in every moment I experience with them and their families in their homes. May my visits always be met with excited and genuine anticipation... Not because I bring tangible gifts, but because I bring love, joy, acceptance, and eagerness to listen every time my foot is allowed to enter their door way.
May I learn from their children and encourage their children to learn from me. May my home be seen as a safe refuge, a relaxing stay, and an enjoyable place filled with loving memories and acceptance.
Help me to have faith that they will make safe choices, for themselves and for their family. May they respect the choices of their siblings and provide loving support when I’m gone. Let no person be “the leader” but may they all contribute to the continued growth of our family, our traditions, our history, and our values.
Allow me to be financially stable, mentally acute, and physically well. Let our final years together be as calm and tranquil as a long walk on the beach at sunset.
In the moments that my fate is in their hands, allow me to accept their decisions as if they were made in love, looking out not only for my wellbeing, but the well-being of everyone involved.
And when the time comes that my assets are redistributed, protect my children from making choices that would destroy their relationships with each other. Allow them to see the path that teamwork and love can provide. May they improve upon this prayer and repeat this pledge responsibly, lovingly, and with humility for their children.
Read more on this topic:
Logan Movie: Caring for Aging Parents
There was a moment where I just stopped what I was doing to say, “This is ridiculous”. It was a Sunday like any other. I spent my “day off” taking a kid to practice, going to the grocery store, washing 10 loads of laundry, cooking dinner, and somehow getting a few extra hours in on a small project. Yes, that was all accomplished in one day. By the end of the day, my hands were shaking, I was dizzy, I had a headache, and I felt myself losing a grip on this “reality” I created for myself. It was an insane reality of unrealistic expectations that I had allowed myself to accept. Though none of these tasks were necessarily assigned to me, I knew that they needed to be done. And my body responded like any overworked machine- it was beginning to shut down. How did I get here?
Athletics has been in my life in some form since I was about 10 years old. I remember making my first basketball team in 7th grade which led to an undefeated season that opened the pathway to me playing three varsity sports through my senior year in college. With decades of successful and unsuccessful seasons under my belt, I then decided to jump on the other side of the whistle and try my hand at coaching. The exhilaration of the game now anew and refreshed, I learned a great deal about what it takes to build championship mentalities, loving support networks, and wacky pregame rituals. The range of emotions felt while participating in sports as a coach and athlete, has fueled my desire to support my own children in their respective athletic pursuits. Knowing a lot about athletics does not put my mind at ease. How can I support my child, her team, and her coach?
March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. According the CDC, endometriosis occurs “when the kind of tissue that normally lines the uterus grows somewhere else”. In other words your uterine lining can grow on ovaries, it can wrap around your intestines and in some cases on parts of the body nowhere near the female reproductive organs, like in a few rare cases the lungs. As serious as this sounds, unfortunately, many people have heard more about ovarian cancer (which is very serious) than endometriosis. I, however, have known about this disease and the havoc it can wreak for my entire life.
Growing up I used to pray that I would never get my menstrual cycle. I never wanted children and I never wanted to take part in any of the natural changes that occur within the 21-35 day interval of femininity. I saw it as the body’s unnecessary method of taking out the garbage and wondered what would happen if you could “become a woman” but keep all of that “stuff” in there. But alas the end of middle school came and my prayers were not answered. I was a normal woman and I had to deal with the “tribulations of womanhood”. But my overall attitude toward the process changed when someone very close to me was diagnosed with endometriosis.
I'm a former teacher and former college athlete, currently working in edtech. My mission is to get parents to partner with their child's teacher.