As my daughters grow older the inevitability of their sexuality being a more dominant factor of who they are and how they’re treated in the world is looming. And though their father and I have done our best to secure them with science and elevate their humanity through open dialogue that is free of shame or ridicule, I can’t help but wonder if what we’ve built as a sword and shield is enough to offset the impact of any peer or predator that decides to attack my daughters’ thoughts, rights, and freedoms.
As a former P.E and Health teacher, I think a lot about gender and sexuality as I’m raising cis-born girls. Am I doing my best to empower them to be open to the continued learning of themselves as a physical and spiritual being? Am I doing all that I can to refuse any definition of feminism and femininity that is toxic and counterproductive? Am I open to answering every question they have as scientifically, factually, and without fairytale as much as possible? Am I giving them the space for privacy so they can learn to create boundaries for themselves?
But what about dads? What responsibility do fathers have to holding themselves to these same principles I laid out above for myself? What role does a father have in cultivating their daughter’s confidence so that she may stand confidently against archaic attacks to her sexuality?
But then what if those archaic attacks and ideas originate in your own home?
My husband and I looked on as a YouTuber live-streams a session in his home studio. The session included the YouTuber alone playing various pop culture jams with his own spin using very expensive music production equipment and software. As he played he accepted requests in real time from his fans and onlookers in the comments, many of which attempted to stump him with their request. When he was stumped he turned to Spotify for assistance.
One user chats out “Star Spangled Banner”. The YouTuber pauses for a bit. His eyes glance upward as he searches for the key and melody of the national anthem...
The most important life lesson we often never learn is how to manage our emotions when disappointment comes....
My children pack their lunches in the morning. I see this as a great exercise in personal accountability and general “learning how to care for yourself”. Plus, being able to feed yourself is a skill. This morning my daughter proceeded to pack her lunch but hit a snare when she learned that there was no peanut butter...
I’m writing this free hand... not going to write this in Google Docs and let auto correct help me and then copy-paste into the site. I’m writing this thing, as is.
I’m not sure who else feels like this right now but I’ve been running myself ragged since I started this blog. I mean being a superhero and a magical multitasking queen while balancing the challenges of black motherhood and geez motherhood in general, I’m tired. But I’m not defeated. My cape has hella holes. But it still flows. It still flies. It’s raggedy and torn and worn from all of the fighting evil and combatting the winds of change and traversing the forests of tribulation... but it still flows. It still flies.
I must say that I’m impressed that we’ve made it to middle school and we are nearing the end of the elementary years for the others. The mothering challenges have evolved. Not easier. Not more difficult... just evolved. And the evolution of my motherhood has not come without hiccups. I’ve had my share of embarrassing moments. I’ve had many, many fails and yet I still feel like I’m winning. I still can see the horizon and I can still enjoy each and every very stressful day with my family.
My cape has hella holes. But she still flows. She still flies.
To all the moms out there who are exhausted by their morning routine but then need to head to work... to all the moms stuck in the insane ferries wheel of carpools and after school chauffeur duties... to all the moms traveling for work and returning to guilt... to all the moms waiting for their partner to get the hint that hey the workload split isn’t quite even and how are you not tuned into that... to all the moms wondering how this political climate is impacting their kids’ future... to all the moms with holes in their capes, I see you out here next to me guzzling coffee at Back to School Nights and on the sidelines of games, at the dance studio, at tutoring, at the light in your minivan or SUV zoned out and waiting for relief... I see you. I see you.
Sometimes the world can be so heavy but we got this. Our capes still fly.
I want to share one more bright spot. My kids see me struggling and appreciate all the work. The other day this note was on my desk....
Yes, there’s cussing in this note, but my child totally captured every thing that was that week and I appreciate it... I appreciate that she saw me for what I was and what I was trying to do for her and her siblings.
Our blog is now 6 years old (I can’t believe it)... I’ll be taking this next 12 months to look at how motherhood evolves. If your mothering has evolved, I invite you to share with me. I’m mostly on Twitter these days because long form social media and blogging has been a challenge. Hit me with a DM or tag me and let’s talk. None of us superheroes with holes in their capes should ever feel alone...
Anyway, hang in there... we got this.
The internet has become as essential to our lives as water and air. In less than a lifetime, we’ve learned to connect with people across the globe almost instantaneously through laptops, video games, phones, and many other devices that did not exist five or ten years ago. But with great power, comes great responsibility. Fake news and deep fakes spread across the internet can influence the opinions and actions of millions. And seemingly innocent videos targeted at kids makes you wonder what’s wrong with people.
In our home, technology is treated as a powerful tool, a privilege, and a huge responsibility. We’ve set up a few rules about internet and device usage but we allow our kids the space to build, play, explore, fail, and try again… I keep asking myself, “Is the internet safe?”.
When we search the internet, we are often in a physical setting that allows us to lower our guard and lower our defenses. We are deceived that the internet is safe because while we browse, we are in our home, in the car, or surrounded by people we trust (who are also often on their devices). In fact, searching the internet can be far more dangerous than we suspect because unlike a social setting where individuals are physically present and can read body language, voice inflection, and facial expressions, the anonymity of the internet creates a barrier that prevents us from picking up on social cues essential to successful human communication.
Recently my kids searched and read false information on the internet that they took as truth. They know that if they have a question about something unfamiliar, they should ask their parents first, but this time they didn’t, and though it wasn’t disastrous or critically harmful, the next time it could be. So we talked about it.
This is what I said about searching the internet alone...
One of my children did something and did not tell me about it for several months. They’d held their deed and the pain surrounding it so tightly that at one point they were physically ill. My goal was to get them to free themselves rather than “come clean” or “tell the truth”. How could I build trust with my child while also obtaining the full story of what happened?
In elementary school I was called Bucky Beaver and Captain Bucky O’Hare... it was because I have two really amazing front teeth that were unnaturally large for my face at the time. Without braces, my face eventually grew around those teeth helping complete the warm smile I’m know for today. So naturally when I had kids I looked for my signature buck teeth in their ultrasounds and as their baby and permanent teeth came in. Without fail, my strong genetics prevailed and combined with their father’s toothy grin to form what I call “an investment smile”... big teeth that will look amazing later with care.
We hear a lot about allyship. Allies are people (or groups) that might not experience a political, social, or economic pain point directly but can apply empathy in their dealings with a person or a community to help them improve a situation or state of being. Think of them as a friend in need or an advocate. These people are capable of taking their privilege and applying it to a situation in productive and uplifting manner. Anyone can be an ally because everyone is born with different privileges and depending on the situation, we can use that privilege to help someone in need. But how do we raise kids to understand their respective privileges? What strategies will ensure that kids use their privilege to help, not hurt, others?
First and foremost, kids are smarter than we give them credit. They spend time applying the lessons and values learned at home and school as they navigate the world. Their naivety and their ability to relinquish constraints allows them, in many instances, to act with a strong moral compass and the genuine desire to help others. Children are more than ready, capable, and open to absorb the values and concepts required to create a caring and empathetic adult ally.
SPOILERS WARNING: Just FYI, I’m assuming you watched the movie or read the Manga. I don’t give away the entire movie. What I say can pretty much be found online if you do a general search, so read at your own risk.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the role that cyborgs and artificial intelligence (AI) will play in our lives in the decades and even millennia ahead. One question I regularly grapple with: Why are we so obsessed with creating better AI and robots and not raising better people? Have we given up on ourselves? A quick glance at the trajectory of humanity, would beg for the greatest minds to start solving the emotional intelligence questions about human development than figure out how to make our lives more convenient. Kindness is convenient and it is not in abundant supply.
When most sci-fi movies show us that it doesn’t end well when humanity goes up against their superior creation, it seems most certain that we are driving innovation off a proverbial cliff. How can we reinforce lessons on empathy in humans and remind those building our future overlords, that empathy, emotional intelligence, and kindness must be major qualities in the coding?
“Well, I mean, All Lives Matter...”
My daughter said this in rebuttal to seeing a Black Lives Matter sign on the church lawn of an all white church. I knew she did not get that statement from me, it must’ve been something she brought home from the lunch table or the playground at school…
“It’s true", I said, "All lives do matter. But to say that in response to Black Lives Matter is not only insulting to me and your dad but to every black relative whose DNA you carry with you today. Where the **** did you hear that? I know it wasn’t uttered by anyone in authority in this house.”
She was puzzled, her sister was shocked, and I was incensed. I wasn’t mad at her. I was mad at myself. I was once again failing my black child.
I'm a former teacher and former college athlete, currently working in edtech. My mission is to get parents to partner with their child's teacher.