I haven't blogged in a long while... I want to say it's because I've been sooooo busy... But if I want to be honest with myself it's most likely because I've been grappling with my depression. And it's been a challenge to keep the smile, keep the to-do list check marks rolling and keep everyone else happy. And with all of the guilt of not following my dreams; and the guilt of not creating content; and the guilt of not being able to afford xyz; it has taken its toll and manifested in the rejection of me writing anything substantial. When will I rise up and face my destiny? Where's my 15 seconds of fame? Not blogging was my way of protesting myself to prove that I had some level of control over my (meaningless) life.
Recently my toddler has had two songs on repeat. These jams have been relatively significant to me because deeply embedded in these tunes has been a message I needed to hear. I was tired of everyone telling me how blessed or fortunate I was... I know that... I don't want to trade my life for anyone else's. I know how relatively easy my life is sometimes... I get it. But all this external reassurance dressed up as encouragement, still wasn't helping me feel better about myself or my life. And although I do not spit at the feats I've accomplished or the talents and gifts that surround me it would be nice to see the progress I'm supposedly making in a tangible and more personally gratifying way. Somehow more than the well-meaning words of others, these songs gave me life.
While driving home through the woods my last toddler says to me... I want to hear my song. We flip through a couple Bon Jovi tunes until we land on "It's My Life". The roaring intro of the guitars had her bouncing and snapping on time with the snare and kick drum. She was bopping back and forth until she yells out "Mom! mom!" I turned down the volume... Still yelling she says, "Mom! This is my theme song. This the song for when I was born.". I say, "How do you know? Do you even know what he's saying?" To which she responds a very indignant and certain yes and demands I turn it back up. She is 4. But at the same time listening to the lyrics I see what she means. It's a kick ass theme song (chorus):
It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
(It’s my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life
Fast forward to a couple days ago... We watch a movie that featured Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy". The song is first of all a musical master piece... But besides that his message is true... It's time for me to make some changes.
So as I grapple with why I'm "not"... I think about it. Maybe my life is like Sarah Connor's from the Terminator. She spent her whole life ensuring that John was protected so that he could be an awesome kick ass change agent. And I'm sure- although she is a fictional character- there were moments when she probably wondered why she couldn't accomplish xyz when really her biggest accomplishment was cultivating the future of humanity. I'm no Mother Mary but I will say this, everything I do, every opportunity I expose my kids to, will have a direct effect on how they will inspire or affect the world around them... a future world that ultimately I will not totally get to experience.
We all get so wrapped up in the idea of what am I doing with my life and forget that we are just a small player in a line of lives that tell a story in the long line of lives that make up humanity. And grappling with our insignificant 15 seconds of fame in the universe is something to not be so depressed about...
I'm a former teacher and former college athlete, currently working to make life more equitable for all people. My mission is to get parents to partner with their child's teacher.