9 Questions ...The Sideline Parent Checklist

As a former college athlete and former high school varsity coach, I’ve seen my share of crazed and excited spectators. And I’ve experienced my fair share of parent feedback from coaching choices I’ve made- some positive and some negative. Now that I’m a parent on the sideline, it’s become really important for me to keep everything in perspective and to observe the learning process as my kids grow into the athletes they want to become… (notice the “they” rather than the what I want or whatever destiny I imagine for them) How can I talk to my athlete after games? What should I be telling my player at home? When (if ever) should I go advocate for my athlete with the coaches? I'm no longer driving this bus, so what is my role and where's my seat on my child's journey?

Experiencing my fair share of positive and negative sports experiences (on both side of the whistle), I kept a list of “nevers” for myself, which has become an introspective Sideline Parent Checklist- nine questions that serve as a personal check-in when observing my kids' athletic experiences.

​(This can be adapted to meet any extracurricular experience- dance, art, scouts, etc...)

1. Is my kid having fun? Regardless of whether they play all the time or not, if  they are enjoying their experience we must put our pride and our goals on hold and experience the joy with them.​
2. Am I saying positive words on the sideline? Sports can create some really intense emotional moments. Just remember that your child wants to make you proud and that is powerful. This means that the words we choose to use toward our kid, their teammates, the refs, and the coaches, act as a motivator or a deflator of effort and trust between our child and those they are experiencing the game (or practice) with. Choose wisely.
3. Are my expectations appropriate? Be real. If your child isn’t the best athlete or the hardest worker, (even if you were) you need to make sure your goals for their experience match up with their growth journey. If their team is young or learning how to play, expectations should be focused on the appropriate outcomes- improvement, learning, and teamwork over wins- no matter how athletic they are. 
4. What extra skill development can I do to help at home? Reminding your kid to practice their skills at home will help them improve but holding an intense parent-driven 2 hour practice after practice or on off days can induce burnout. Sometimes kids just need a solid healthy meal and a reminder to rest. Additionally, encourage a team-focused, team first attitude at home. The way you talk about your child’s coach and team will also influence their attitude and the respect they give their coaches and teammates. If you don’t like the coach, try to use words that separate your feelings from the experience. Give your child the space to formulate their own opinions.
5. When should I advocate and when should I observe? Sports can be a long game rather than an instantaneous gratification experience. If you want to give your child immediate reward experience take them to an amusement park. A child is better served when their parent exercises patience and trust for coaching choices that are reasonable and age appropriate. There will be moments when speaking up is absolutely necessary- when your child isn’t safe; when your child is experiencing hazing from teammates; when your child is really not getting a fair shake.  My mother NEVER went to the coaches to talk about our negative experiences. Instead, she talked to us about what we could do to change our attitude, work harder, self-advocate, or be patient with our growth. I’m thankful that she allowed us to work through it. 
6. Is my kid being a good teammate? Let’s be honest, none of us gave birth to an angel. So when your kid comes home with a story, listen first, ask questions that will paint a full picture, and encourage them to look at any negative exchanges from all sides. Something your child is sharing with you might actually be “unfair” or it might be your child looking for validation. Listen carefully, observe, seek counsel, and advocate if necessary. Social settings will create friction, but if your child is playing a team sport, this is an important opportunity to encourage them to be a global citizen, exercise empathy, speak up for themselves or others, and be mindful about how they engage with the world around them.
7. What is the end game? Not every athlete will play pro or even in college. Not every tall 9 year old will end up 6’ 6”. Not every “good” child athlete turns into a great adult athlete. Some kids need encouragement to dream bigger while others need a reality check. As parents you want to keep hope alive and not crush their dreams. Use teaching and guiding words to help them navigate who they are in relation to their options. That's the biggest life lesson of all- how do I navigate who I am with the option I'm given? 
8. Is this the right team/sport? This is a hard question. Some parents will drive hours just to have their kid sit the bench on a winning team. Others have their kids play a sport they were good at because it is familiar to them. Check in with your child to make sure that the team chemistry, player development, and coaching philosophy are conducive to your child’s success (without undermining the team's success). Additionally if you want your child to be an individual star, put them in an individual sport.
9. Am I modeling a good team player? Parents are part of the team and can be great role models on the sideline. Without being too heavy handed, offer up your help, not advice to the coaches. I will say as a former coach, this can be stressful because parents (sometimes) want to take over.  So don't be offended if you hear nothing back or a solid "no" from the coaches. There are other ways you can get involved without stepping on toes. If the team needs a tent for games, bring one. If the team needs someone to coordinate carpools or game day snack, step up and organize. Does the team need a photographer, a score keeper, or someone collecting tickets at the door? Be that person. But DO NOT OVERSTEP OR UNDERMINE THE COACHES. Offer up your help as a team member without the expectation that your child will play more because you’re doing a lot.

​As our kids get older and are exposed to more experiences- school, extracurricular activities, faith groups- other adult teachers and mentors become important influences and guides in our children’s lives. For some parents, losing that control can be devastating, uncomfortable, and even anxiety inducing. But what is the goal for my child? I want them to be lifelong learners and experience a variety of teaching styles to help them formulate a well rounded perspective of what life is and can be.

Being a yes-man for your kid is enabling and lazy parenting. Unrealistic expectations create burnout, anxiety, and disappointment. Balanced and thoughtful word choices will help your child get the most out of the experience you’re providing for them. Sitting on the sideline can be tough sometimes, but being a loving supportive parent is always easy. Good luck!

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Read more about our athletic journey here:

• Athlete Life… the real deal​
• Enjoy It Girls While It’s Still Fun
• How and When To Compete
• Passing On Your Skills To Your Child
• How to Coach Girls- Helping Parents Recognize Great Coaching Strategy